


The HarleyQuinnization of One Pamela Isley

by Jasontodd908



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alfred is the dad of the group, Arkham Asylum, Bruce is slightly obtuse, Drugging, F/M, Humor, I can't stress this enough, Ivy becomes a good guy, Ivy in Love, Not by choice, Not serious at all, Romance, Should there be smut?, Two Shot, light yandere, love potion, out of character for comics, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:14:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29934651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jasontodd908/pseuds/Jasontodd908
Summary: Poison Ivy simply doesn't get what someone like Harleen would see in a guy like the Joker. He's abusive, narcissistic and never remembers their anniversary. However, when one heist goes horribly wrong, Ivy finds that she's been exposed to a potent toxin which rewires her entire brain, especially how it views one man in particular. Of course Harley was behind this. When wasn't she the cause of all of Pamela's problems?
Relationships: Batman/Poison Ivy, Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Comments: 25
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is completely meant to be just a funny little read. No angst, no major themes. Just something that's funny/cute and not based upon the dark and gritty reality of the comics at all. This is my first attempt at just something funny so let me know if I succeeded or not. Based in part upon the HBO Harley Quinn series, but taking inspiration from the 2004 Batman series, with Penguin having that basic design as well as Alfred.
> 
> Expect an update to this in maybe two weeks. I've been writing this in between Gangs of Gotham. So please be patient with me.

**_Gotham City, Apartment of Pamela Isley_ **

“Urrrrrggg! I can’t believe you’re still going back to him!” the seething redhead shouts, pacing over the apartment wearing nothing but her panties and a large t-shirt. The green skinned woman emanated fury from every pore of her body, so much so that she simply couldn’t hold it in.

The subject of her ire?  
  


Harleen Quinzel...as usual.

“Easy Red. Ya know I don’t like it when ya…”.

“WHEN I GET ANGRY?!” she asks sarcastically, her hands splayed out which seems to inadvertently activate her powers. Harleen winces as the plants that laid in their pots along the window sill in the kitchen seem to grow. Undoubtedly they’d be wrapping around her soon...most likely her throat.

She had to talk her best friend down.

“Easy Red, please? For me?” Harleen asks, putting her luggage down and pushing out her lower lip while clasping her hands in front of each other. She wasn’t wearing her usual getup, the one that she’d first donned after fully becoming like...him. She looked like a perfectly normal, albeit very beautiful blonde haired woman with pigtails and bright blue eyes.

“Don’t...don’t pout” Ivy says, trying to avoid looking, though her words had no affect on the woman who only increases said pouting, even adding a lip quiver to it. “Stop” Pamela says before giving up entirely. “Fine!” she snaps, not wanting to deal with this specific vein of her best friend’s antics at the moment. “I’m not mad...I’m just...Jesus Harley, how many times has he hit you?” she asks.

“Nine hundred, thirty four times” the blonde rattles off without hesitation, wincing at how that sounded, even to her ears. “Ya don’t understand though Red. He loves me!”

“Love?” she asks skeptically. “Harleen, he doesn’t love you. He only loves himself. He’s using you!”

“Stop, you don’t know my puddin’ like I do” the henchwench defends. “He’s nice when he wants ta be!”

“Exactly Harleen” she says, rushing forward and taking the woman’s hands. “When he wants to be. Honestly, how often is that?” She gets her answer when Harleen averts her eyes, not wanting to come face to face with the truth at that moment.

  
“Exactly, Harley he…”.

“Needs me” she interrupts, squeezing her friend’s hands back, trying to convince the woman who’d taken her in for the tenth time after she was kicked out by the Joker. “He needs me Ivy. Ya don’t understand. Yer jaded!” she tries to joke. “Ya haven’t met a guy who makes ya weak in the knees. Who makes ya laugh and feel like yer everything to him”.

She turns with that, releasing Pamela’s hands and picking up her suitcase, making ready to go back to the Joker. Ivy however, was disgusted and simply moves into the kitchen, making to water her plants. “I’ll be careful” she shouts to her, wanting things to play out the same way they had countless times before.  
  
Ivy just ignores her, filling a cup with water from the sink and pouring it into the flower pots. Harleen smiles sadly to herself but continues on. “I’ll watch out for the cops. They won’t see me leave here, though puddin’ undoubtedly has a plan that’ll put us on the tv soon”.

She was still getting the silent treatment, and she for one could never handle that. ‘Better get out of here Harleen...before ya make a bigger fool of yourself’.

She opens the door, dragging her luggage behind her in a dejected manner. She stops at the last second and turns back, wanting to offer one final peace offering, or rather, a payment for putting up with her problems, though nothing could come close to compensation for what Ivy had gone through on the woman’s behalf. 

“I left somethin’ in the fridge. A little present ta help ya on yer next spree since..well, I won’t be with ya. Should keep Batman off yer tail...well...actually, he’ll be trying to get yer tail more than anything else”.

Ivy had finished watering her plants and was now looking out of the window, entirely ignoring Harleen’s existence. “Well...you’ll figure it out. I hope it helps. Bye Red”.

Neither say anything more as Harleen exits her friend’s apartment, leaving the half plant woman alone for the time being. She didn’t understand it, and she hoped she never would. Joker did nothing but beat her, degrade her, throw her around and use her for his own pleasure, and yet still, she was running back to him.

She had to get her mind off of it, how Harleen, the smartest woman she knows, could so easily be duped by a man of all things. ‘Filthy, ugly things’ she thinks, refusing to even acknowledge men as anything other than a virus to be destroyed.

“What was that she said?” she asks herself aloud, reaching out to stroke one of her Venus fly traps with her finger. “Something in the fridge?”

She walks towards the metal contraption and opens it up, at first seeing nothing other than her normal fridge fare. Soy milk, lettuce, salad dressing. “What the hell was she...ohh...what’s this?” she asks, seeing some sort of glass container in the corner. It had a crudely drawn smiley face upon it, and a note attached of all things.

Deciding that it was best to keep whatever it was refrigerated, she snaps the note off and brings it out, closing the door once again to give it a read.

Her eyes scan over the familiar scrawl, reading it out.

_“Dear Red, I know this is going to be...well, I’ve lost count really, whatever time I’ve done this. I know you’re mad at me. Probably hate me. You have every right to, but I love you, and I wanna leave you with something that can help with the Bat problem we all seem to have. You see, the chemicals that both me and puddin’ took a bath in? They have other purposes. Imprinting through aphrodisiacs and what not. Basically, this stuff is concentrated love potion. I did some poking around on it and thought I’d leave it for you to use in one of your plant trap thingies to finally get ole’ cape and cowl. If you kill him, or make him your love slave, always remember that your friend Harley helped you do it. Love, Harleen”_

She sighed at the letter, already feeling her rage at the woman drop, if only slightly. She’d still never forgive her for what she was doing to herself, constantly going back to the Joker to continue being abused, but...she was a good friend. ‘I have to find a way to help her’ she thinks, ruminating on what to do now.

Things were playing out in a very familiar way.

Whenever Harley came to stay with her, after leaving the Joker for “the last time”, they’d go on a quick crime spree. Nothing big, just light robberies. Enough to put some green in their pockets. Then they’d get bored, swear to give up on crime and go legitimate. Open some random bank account or store and indeed give it the grand old try.

Ivy was happy enough to stop for good every time, but Harleen? She would get that itch, and out of nowhere the Joker would call with a sob story promising to scratch it. After that? The blonde would leave and Ivy would be depressed enough to fall back into a life of crime all on her own.

She crosses her arms under her chest, tossing the letter onto the kitchen table that Harleen had bought before staring vacantly out the window. “Nope. Not this time. No, I’m just going to stick with the flower shop” she says aloud, hoping that putting the words out there like that would be enough to make it reality.

However...the concoction in the fridge was interesting regardless.

She turns towards the fridge, eyeing it with curiosity and indeed desire. “You could run this city Pamela” she thinks, imagining the Batman finally serving as her slave. “He could really tip things in your favor..make it so...NO!” she says, trying to put her foot down. “The flower shop is great! You’re making money. Everyone wants to buy flowers from Poison Ivy or have you do their wedding arrangements. Everyone!”  
  


She had begun pacing back and forth, trying to calm down the racing thoughts within her mind. Eventually though, she just looks back the the fridge, the hum of which, something she never even bothered to notice before, was drawing her in.

She bites her lips and bounces on the balls of her feet, looking very much like a child who had to go to the bathroom. “No…” she denies one final time, though it is much weaker than the others.

**_Four Days Later, Gotham Botanical Gardens_ **

Batman slices up through the vines holding his feet with a batarang, causing him to fall to the ground below him. He was quick though, getting to his feet and narrowly avoiding the downward lunge of a massive Venus fly trap.

“Ivy!” he shouts, making the plant balk by throwing his fist right into it with enough force to make it whimper like a dog. ‘Great, a plant just made me feel guilty’ he thinks, watching as more of the carnivorous plants sprout up around him, coming to their wounded comrades aid.

They just snap their jaws open and closed however, not attacking just yet. He knew he had to be on his guard.

“Ivy! You know how this is going to end” he calls out, knowing it would be a futile exercise trying to talk the woman down but having to try regardless. “Said the spider to the...wait, no, no, hold on! Let me get this right!” the woman says, coughing into her hand and schooling her face for a do over. 

“Said the fly to the spider” she says, doing a small little fist pump as she descends the metal stairs leading down from the catwalks above. Bruce just glares at her, noting that she now wore an entirely different getup from what he was used to. Instead of her green one piece, she wore a pair of similarly colored pants, a white shirt and a leather jacket. 

  
She apparently notices the confusion upon his face, and where it was directed and she shrugs. “Sorry, this whole thing wasn’t really planned well and I didn’t have my costume sent to the cleaners from out last dance. This okay? You don’t mind do you?” she asks, seemingly genuine in her self consciousness.

Batman straightens out his back, having been hunched over, ready for a fight when the woman first began to descend, but now knowing it most likely wouldn’t come to a physical altercation. Still, he was ready.

“It’s...fine”.

“Really? You think so?” she asks, twirling about. “I kind of like the look to be honest. I mean, you can tell me if it doesn’t work right? We’ve been doing this for a while. You can be honest with me at this point”.

Batman sighs and nods his head in the affirmative, trying to hide the fact that he found the pants hugged her rear end considerably better than her previous getup. “Less wedgies I’m assuming?”  
  
“Ohh god yes” she says exasperatedly, throwing her hands up and pacing again. “Jeez, how many times have I had to stop a fight because of a wedgie?”

“Many times”.

“Must’ve been so awkward to be honest” she says, blushing and rubbing the back of her head. “You, in one of my death traps and me standing there, trying to pick fabric out of my ass. Really, really not a good look”.

Batman looks up at the clock on the wall, gauging the time. He didn’t have anywhere else to be, but even then it felt like this whole thing was dragging on. Pamela notices and gets back on track. “Ohh right, right...busy night?”

“Well..yeah kinda”.

“Sorry, so sorry, is it really pressing? We can do this another time, jeez, I kinda forget you probably have a lot of other things going on”.

“It’s fine” Batman assures her. “Now, what do you want to open with? “Prepare to die Batman!” or...something else?”

She brings her finger to her lips and shakes her head. “Nah, that doesn’t really fit with what I have planned tonight so umm...prepare to...crap, I don’t know. Let me just show you what I’ve got. Streamline things a bit” she says, retracting a plant that resembled a giant spore from her back pocket. It had vines wiggling out of it, and seemed to emanate some sort of gas.

Bruce quirks an eyebrow under his cowl, not exactly sure what to make of it. “What is that?”

She opens her mouth with a smile and then abruptly closes it, frowning. “You know, I was so excited about it...I forget to name it”.

“Hmm”.

“But it does do something pretty cool!” she shouts out, “well, for me, not really for you. Batman, prepare to fall in love!” she shouts, tossing it at his feet and doing a quick fist bump at actually managing to nail a line that fit the situation. Batman watches as the spore lands at his feet, and simply engages the gas mask built into his cowl.

The plastic shield slides over the exposed part of his face over his lower cowl, the ventilators on either side assuring that he would be able to breath as the pink mist that emanates out of the plant begins to fill the room. Ivy was so shocked at how her plan had backfired so easily that she didn’t even move from her position, standing their, mouth agape and beginning to breath in the fumes herself.

“You aren’t the only one who made alterations to their style” he says with an ironic tone as Ivy begins to cough, falling to the ground. “Wh...not...fair” she says between coughs as Batman moves forward and throws his cape over her, allowing her to breath easier but still not fully freeing her from the gas’s effects.

“Didn’t you bring your own gasmask?” he asks.

“Didn’t...think...that far...ahead” she sputters, indeed having spent so much time on the pageantry of her stylized ransom note to the GCPD that she hadn’t thought of a gas mask. ‘These things were so much easier and more fun with Harley’ she muses.

“Alright, whatever you had planned is over” Batman’s muffled voice comes through the mask. “Where are the toxin dispensers?”

“There...are none…”.

The gas was finally beginning to clear, and Bruce skeptically looks at the spore Ivy had thrown, wondering why this all seemed to have been...useless. “So your whole plan was to fake a threat on Gotham and throw a plant at me?” he asks, the woman nodding as she’s finally able to breath with the clearing of the mist. She turns and looks at Batman, blushing instantly as his form comes to her.

She nods, looking away as she couldn’t bare to look at him right then and there, though his scent fills her nostrils at how close he was. Scent, and oiled leather and ironically, pine. She liked the pine the most, but all together it was a very alluring smell.

Possibly addictive. 

“So that was your whole plan?”

She nods, upset. “I know...it was stupid. I’m sorry. I really didn’t wanna waste your time” she says before breaking out into loud sobs, covering her face with her hands as she does. For a moment, Bruce thinks it might be a trap, but after a few seconds he places a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“It...it wasn’t so bad”.

“Yes it was!” she shouts out. “It was awful. Stupid...any one of your other villains would’ve had something better. Even Riddler would’ve been at least more fun. I...I’m so sorry Batman”.

“Hey, hey...umm...it was a good plan. You just...didn’t know about the gas mask” he says awkwardly, unsure of what was going on and if it was related to the mist. “Umm...I have to take you in though. Gordon and the police are waiting outside”.

She sniffles and nods, holding out her hands as he retracts the cuffs from his utility belt. “You...you really didn’t think it was bad?” she asks. “No. I don’t. It was a good plan. Nice work” he says, cuffing her while the Venus fly traps seem to recoil at what was happening. 

One turns to the other and begins to growl out. “Hrrrk, arrrrkkkkkk” it says, which translated roughly to, “what the fuck? She’s just gonna let him take her in?” The plant to that one’s immediate right seems to nod. “Hrrkk”

“Looks like it”.

“Why?” the other growls out in their language as it swivels its head back and forth. “Theres like a hundred of us. We could take him on”.

The other shakes his head no. “Gotta listen to Ivy”.

“She’s clearly not thinking straight...what even...what?”

Meanwhile, Batman helped Ivy to her feet, and the woman cradles herself into his side, beginning to walk forward. “Batman?”

“Yeah?”

“Am I one of your major villains?” she asks cautiously. “Like, have you ever stayed up at night, worrying about what I’d do like you do with the Joker?” 

“Umm...why are you asking this?”

“Well it’s just, I don’t know. I want to be one of your special rogues. Up there with Bane and Joker and...well, you know, the big league” she stutters out in an unsure tone. She was constantly biting her lips, and the blush was omnipresent even now. “I...I don’t want you to see me as just another weirdo like Calendar Man or something. Like, I want to be special to you”.

“You...are, I guess?”

“Am I?!” she asks excitedly, giggling and smiling. “Wow umm, I’m so glad because...well, you know, you’re really the only guy, I mean hero, I fight and you know, you’re my favorite...I just...I want you to know that I’ve stayed up at night thinking about you...not in that way!” she defends herself, suddenly realizing how that sounded before continuing. “But umm...you know, ways to beat you and what not”.

“Uhhmm”.

Batman really didn’t know what to make of any of this at the moment, so he decided to compartmentalize it as the after effects of a bad scheme. Ivy had been on and off of crime, and his best bet was that she was weaning herself off. Whenever she went back to it, she was always rustier and now apparently, she was starting to feel guilty about it.

“I’m just...I’m really happy we’re on the same page now” she says, the two finally exiting the gardens and coming straight into the police line where Gordon, Bullock and Montoya were waiting. “That...well, we’re special to one another”.

“You got her Batman?” Jim asks, moving up to take over the handling of the prisoner. “Yes, and now? You do too”.

Pamela wasn’t even fighting, which was unusual for her, and she simply continued to smile at Batman, her spirits lifted by his soft words. “Alright well...any real damage?” Jim asks. “Nothing really”.

“Ah...so what was this all about?” he asks as Bullock leads the woman away towards the back of a police cruiser, opening the door and shoving her in. “Hey, owww! Watch it! Batman he hurt me!”

“Bullock” Bruce says tiredly, drawing the man’s attention. “Just be...a little more gentle”.

The corpulent detective guffaws, slamming the door closed upon the woman who continues to scowl at him through the window, even sticking her tongue out at his retreating form before turning back to Batman and smiling. She waves her bound hands at him, causing him to nod in response before turning back to Jim.

“Umm...well, that was weird” the Commissioner says.

“Hmmm”.

“So umm...what now?”

“I’d suggest taking her in and booking her for a bomb threat” he says. “Other than that, there isn’t much to hold her for”.

“Really? No robbery or assault? Attempted murder?”

“Not tonight”.

Jim shakes his head and strokes his chin, curious as to what Ivy’s main goal was. “So what…”. He turns back up, surprised to still see that Batman was still before him. “What?” 

“Nothing just...usually you’re gone by the time I turn around” Jim says.

Batman says nothing, continuing to stare down the commissioner. “What were you going to say?” he asks. Jim just shrugs. “Really nothing. Like I said, I expected you to be gone so I create these little filler sentences that I use when you disappear. I never get to finish them so, they never have any meaning”.

“Hmm..”.

With that, Batman draws his grappling hook and shoots off into the night, launching the line onto another building and vanishing in the darkness. 

Gordon watches, having been unable to view such an act unobstructed before. “Cool” is all he manages to say before returning to the officers under his command.

Ivy searches the darkness for the man, her eyes not having left him since the gas. She groans when she realizes that she can’t find him. “Don’t hide from me” she begs the man who wasn’t there anymore. “I’m your best enemy!”

The police car pulls off the curb, heading down to GCPD lockup where Ivy would spend a few nights before being returned to Arkham most likely. She leans against the window though, smiling dreamily out upon the night. “Mmm...Batman”.

**_The Batcave_ **

“Is everything okay Master Bruce?” Alfred asks, setting down the plate of food before the man who was still seated at his computer. “It’s fine Alfred”.

The older butler was still curious, not wanting to let the issue drop and still desirous of conversation with the man. “How was your day?” he asks.

“Fine”.

His frown grows even wider. “What did you do?”

“Nothing”.

He exhales deeply, knowing that he’d get nothing, else out of the man. At that moment however, young Master Damien and Master Jason descend down the elevator, already bickering about something or another.

“Ghost Rider could totally beat Iron Man” Jason says aloud.

“No he couldn’t!” the younger and sometimes mature, sometimes not, boy and biological son of Bruce Wayne says. “Uhh, yeah he could” Jason mocks. “Penance stare remember? Tony is an alcoholic billionaire. Think he doesn’t have any skeletons in his closet?” Damien’s older brother asks him while ruffling his hair and moving off, further into the cave.

“If he can even make eye contact through the suit!”

“Hellfire melts steel, every single time bat boy” Jason laughs.

“Yeah well...you wear a hood!”

“Ohh nice comeback!”

Alfred decides to intervene, hoping that he could at least have a solid conversation with either of the two arguing boys who had moved over towards the weapon cases. “Ahh, Young Masters Jason and Damien. How was your da…”.

Before he could finish answering, both boys say “fine” at the exact same instant.

Alfred, ever the optimist, presses on nevertheless. “And what did you d…”.

“Nothing”.

  
He throws his hands up, finally defeated as the young man and the boy get ready to spar with one another, Damien grasping his sword while Jason grabs his pistols, loaded with rubber bullets of course, being the one condition for his reinstatement into the bat family.

Bruce meanwhile, reaches out and idly takes the sandwich off of the tray Alfred left, blocking all of the outside world out besides the crime watch program he’d set up on his computer. “I wonder what was wrong with Ivy tonight” he thinks, remembering how rampantly emotional she was. Normally she’d never be adversely affected by her own toxins, so he could only chalk it up to one thing.

‘It was most likely her special time of the month’ he thinks, cringing a bit as even now he found thinking of such things disgusting. He takes a bite of his sandwich and pushes Ivy out of his mind for now, hoping this would be the last time she tried something big.

**_Arkham Asylum_ **

She was panting as she rushed across her cell, trying to burn of all the excess energy she’d acquired due to just sitting. “Why hasn’t he visited? Why hasn’t he called?” she asks, practically on the verge of ripping out her own hair. “He said I was a big time villain. Hell, I know I’m his favorite! I know it. Where is he then? Why won’t he check up on me?” she asks angrily, glaring at the small fern she was allowed to have, and causing it to wilt in her cell.

Suddenly her anger plummets away and she cries again. “I did something wrong didn’t I?” she asks herself. “I upset him, but how? Why won’t he talk to me so I can say I’m sorry? Ohhh...Batman!” she shouts, throwing herself against the cell door and screaming through the bars in the vain hope that he would hear her somehow.

“I’m sorry puddin’! Whatever I did, I’m sorry! Ivy was being a bad girl! But I want to be your good girl again! Please come talk to me!”

“Shut up!” Two Face shouts, occupying the cell right next to her. “You’re starting to sound like Quinn!”

A murmur of agreement was heard up and down the halls, and that forces Ivy to take a step back, trying to think over what was going on. “No...you’re not like Harleen” she says, suddenly confused. “You never were. You were the sane...saner, one” she corrects. It dawns on her very quickly that these feelings for Batman were unnatural, abnormal.

“What’s happening to me?” she asks, sitting down on her bed and rubbing her temples while rocking back and forth. “No, no. I don’t love Batman! I hate him..” she spits, though her words lack conviction. “What…”.

She stops her questioning and slowly looks up, rage now coloring her expression. “Harley!” she shouts, remembering the woman’s gift that she’d left in her fridge. It suddenly dawns on her, and she feels the anger fan right back up within her, though this time?  
  
It was directed at Harleen.

“HARLEY! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! HOLY SHIT!”

  
Ivy didn’t have time to focus on Harvey Dent's anger, her own being all too controlling of her at this point in time. She focuses as hard she could, calling out to the ancient roots that lay below Arkham Asylum. They grow, moving towards the woman who was summoning them, and soon they begin to break through the floor, breaking open the cells and wrapping about the few guards unlucky enough to have been posted there. 

The metal door of her cell is finally cracked open, and she steps out, her face still contorted in rage. “Harley Quinn….I’m gonna kill you you bitch!”

“Whooo hoo!”  
  


“Yeah!”

“Nice job Ivy” Two Face says, stepping out of his cell and brushing off his sleeves that some of the falling dust had landed upon. “I take it back” Cobblepot says. “She isn’t a loon after all”.

Ivy gasped at seeing all the inmates free, a heavy dread settle in the pit of her stomach. In the past she’d let them escape too, but now?  
  


All she could see was Batman’s frowning face, disappointment etched upon it and countless nights spent tracking them all down. The man’s body would be injured innumerable times by knives, gunshots and all manner of weapons. ‘He might even be killed this time!’ she thinks, unable to bear the thought.

She frowns at what she was about to do, knowing that she’d most likely have to apologize later to all of her...well, not friends. Colleagues perhaps? What she did know was that she was and would be on all of their shit lists for a long time.

The mental image she had in her mind of a frowning, disappointed and wounded Batman turns to a completely preposterous one of him smiling wide and getting on his knees before her, kissing her hand and lavishing her in flowers. 

_“Ivy! You’re the most amazing and beautiful woman I’ve ever met!”_

It was fantastical, impossible even, but still she swoons at the idea. She turns back to the villains, her mind made up. ‘Be a good girl Ivy. For your puddin’.

She raises her hands, and the vines that had served as the means of their escape suddenly lift up, wrapping about each one of them and causing them to let out little gasps of shock and horror. “Ivy! What the hell are you doing?” Dent asks as his arms are pinned against his body.

“Argg, argg! This ain’t right! We’re on the same team greenie!” Cobblepot murmurs out.

“Yeah, well...not anymore!” Ivy shouts back. “You’re bad guys! And...well, you’re not gonna hurt my pud...Batman!”

She was cringing at her own words, knowing that they weren’t strictly hers, but still having to say them. “I take it back...again” Oswald says, struggling against his green bonds. “She is a loon!”

Ivy ignores him and presses onwards, passing some of the guards who eye her warily, afraid of coming to any harm. “I’m sorry!” she says, waving her hands as she made to exit the building. “I’ll send a card! I promise!”

She makes her way to the grounds, banking on the chaos her little stunt had caused to keep everyone on their toes. Her mind was fixed on one thing, and one thing only.

Finding Harley. 

Still..she could leave a little present for Batman couldn’t she? Just a little something to...test the water. Yeah that was it! All it was was testing the water. And a professional apology for being a nuisance. That’s all it was.

She manages to exit the Asylum, hearing the sounds of still, at the moment, far off sirens. She focuses as best as she can upon the front lawn, forcing first stems to pop up through the soil, and then the flowers attached to the top of the stems to bloom. 

After a few moments of this, she’s satisfied with what she sees….for exactly one second. She then throws her hands up in disgust, shaking her head as she remembers what was happening to her. ‘It’s getting worse’ she thinks, rushing from the grounds of the Asylum, making her way to the one place she knew Harley would be.

**_Half an Hour Later, Arkham Asylum_ **

“Jim”.

The commissioner jumps, not having been expecting the man to pop up right behind him and being partially angry with himself for being scared yet again. “Jeezus Batman...can you ever just show up like a normal goddamn person?”

Bruce just looks at him, his mouth twisting in such a way as to show that he found Gordon’s suggestion impossible. “Right, right, I’m telling the guy in the flying rodent costume to be normal” he says, shaking his head. “That’s...rather reductive” Batman says, not fully enjoying just how reductive it was. “Show me what happened”.

“Yeah, yeah, right this way” the older man says, flicking his cigarette away and moving through the groups of milling about police officers. They all pretended to look busy as the two passed, pulling up their notebooks and writing things down, though neither paid any attention.

“How many got loose?”

“Just one”.

“What?” Batman asks, shocked that that was all when the asylum seemed to be ripped apart at the seams, the roof opened up by massive vines that let him know Ivy was somehow involved in all of this. “Yeah, I know. Weird, but Ivy’s the only one who escaped. Even made sure the others couldn’t get out by wrapping them up in her vine...thingeys? Stalks? Whatever they are”.

“Is the situation under control here?”

“Yeah”.

“Then why didn’t you just tell me that Ivy escaped?” he asks, a little miffed at having been woken up quite so late when the situation could’ve been made easier by him just setting off in search of her.

Gordon begins to chuckle, as do the other officers around, all of them pointing at Batman and laughing. “What?”

“You’ll see Batman. You’ll see”.

Jim wraps his arm around the man’s shoulders and pulls him towards the front of the Asylum, causing Bruce to be even more confused. “It looks like..hahah...you have a not so secret admirer”. Gordon was giggling like a schoolgirl, finally leading him to a spot of grass that was covered in bright flowers. It’s only when Batman looks closer, that he sees the issue.

The flowers were arranged, on the outside, like the symbol that Batman wore upon his chest. However, in the middle? There was a giant heart with individual white roses within it that spelled out “Batman and Ivy Forever”.

Gordon was laughing uproariously, falling to the ground and kicking his legs this way and that holding his stomach as he did, the other officers joining in. Bullock and Montoya were hugging each other as tears streamed down their faces, laughing so much that Batman wouldn’t be surprised if the Joker was somehow behind this.

He was glad that the cowl hid his blush though, and his mind raced for why this was happening.

It clicked rather suddenly though. The spore that Ivy had thrown at him. ‘What did she say before she threw it? Prepare to love?’ He nods, knowing what had happened now. It was one of Ivy’s typical plots to turn him into her slave, though this time? It backfired, and she now found herself having romantic feelings for him.

‘That explains the strange behavior after I cuffed her too’ he thinks, turning to head back to the batmobile. The GCPD was still laughing, Gordon now having turned onto his front to pound the ground with his fists as Bullock starts singing.

“Batman and Ivy, sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G..” he begins, with the rest joining in soon after. “First comes love, then comes marriage, nine months later a bat baby in the carriage”. Laughter soon followed once more, and Batman scowls as he closes the canopy of the batmobile over himself, igniting the cars engine and taking off, muttering too himself about how he couldn’t sleep in one night.

The cops continue to laugh however, the sound drifting up to the stalks that dangled high up in the air over the asylum. The Penguin begins to laugh, joining in before Two face moves himself close enough to kick him. “Oww! Hey! What was that for?”

“Nothing is funny about this bird brain!” the scarred man says, looking down at the dizzying height and getting woozy. Cobblepot scowled and looked away. “I just wanted to be involved”.

**_Laughing Jack’s Candy Factory_ **

Harleen was lifted from the ground and then slammed into the rotting wooden wall behind her, wincing at the force that pushes her through the wall a bit, as well as the splinters that imbed themselves in her flesh.

Ivy was apoplectic, fuming, and the blonde knew she was in big trouble.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ME?!!!”

“What are ya talkin’ about?” Harleen screams out, prompting the redhead to begin shaking her back and forth causing her to gurgle out before the woman stops. “That stupid cocktail you left me? I used it! Turned it into a plant form and tried to use it on Batman. I got hit with it instead!”

Harley wasn’t following her meaning though, and she simply assumes that Ivy’s anger at her was due to the fact that her plan failed. “Listen Red” she says, angry herself. “Ya can’t blame me because ya aren’t good at the crime stuff yerself ‘kay? Not my fault…”.

Ivy slams her back into the wall again. “NO YOU DUMBASS! NOW I’M IN LOVE WITH BATMAN!!” she screams while shaking her again. “I can’t get him out of my head and it’s all your fault!”

Joker watched all of this gleefully, having taken up a chair and picked up a bucket of popcorn, eagerly shoving the salty treat into his mouth. Bud and Lou, Harley’s pet hyenas, rested beside him, nervously yipping out at Ivy. They wouldn’t dare intervene though. The plant based villainess was the one woman besides their mistress that they had learned not to cross.

“What?” Harleen asks, shock in her voice.

“You heard me blondie!” Ivy shouts before dropping her to the floor and placing her palms on her hips. “You’re going to fix this! Understand?”.

Joker begins to laugh, almost choking on the popcorn he was eating before falling back in the chair he was sitting on to the ground. Ivy turns to watch the man, already scowling. “What’s so funny?”

Her voice promised violence but naturally the Joker wasn’t about to stop laughing out of fear. He tangled with the Batman after all. Slowly he gets up, still laughing, and brushes off his suit. “Ohh...ohh Harley..” he chuckles. “Did you..did you give our dear friend Ivy here your medicine?” he asks. The blonde, still seated on the floor nods out meekly. “I thought it would help her”.

“Ohh it did alright” the Joker says, clapping his hands and laughing once more. “Ohh Harley, this is genius! You did an excellent job my little princess of crime” he says, moving over to the henchwench and setting down next to her, pinching her cheek. 

“Aw...really?” she asks, her eyes filled with love for the clown.

“Yuppero! Might even have to upgrade you to Clown Queen of Crime!” he chortles. Ivy however, was certainly not amused. “Can you just tell me what the fuck is going on?”

The pale faced man turns to the woman and smiles. “Ohh for certain, you see Ivy, you’ve been hit with what I like to call, the Twitterpaiter 9000!” he teases, moving to a fridge that was plugged in along the wall and opening it, sending a few glass bottles clinking together. They were the same kind that was left by Harley in her apartment.

“It’s a potent aphrodisiac, as Harleen told you no doubt” he says while pulling a bottle out and tossing it to Harleen. The blonde catches it and opens it up, licking her lips before drinking the milk like substance. “Mmm...yummy!”.

“It is poo” Joker says, sneering at Ivy. “It is. And for someone like Ivy? Doubly so”.

Now she was worried, and her heart rate increases as the clown advances upon her. ‘Batman...help me’ she thinks, fearful of if the Joker was going to harm her. She shakes her head, rebuking herself for such a thought before realizing that the clown was just pacing in front of her. Before she could ask what he meant, he continued.

“You see, the acid bath that Harley and I took before? It immunizes us...slightly, to the effects of the Twitterpaiter 9000. That’s why I have to keep Harley constant dosages, to keep her nice and docile”.

“Hey!” Harley shouts before looking back at the half empty bottle and catching a whiff of the delicious contents inside, begins to drink again. “Whenever she leaves me, becomes too independent, I send her a bit and get her thinking of me again. Works every time”.

He turns back to Ivy’s situation and moves around the woman, placing his hands upon her shoulders. “But you? You didn’t take our little acid bath did you? So now...hmm...you’re hooked to the first man you saw...and specifically? Smelled...what is Batboy’s scent by the way?” he asks curiously.

Ivy was looking dead ahead, her eyes fixed upon the opposite wall. “Leather and pine”.

“Hmm, well I guess that fits for you. Anywho, yeah, you’re hooked green tits. Hooked like a fish. It really is rather hilarious isn’t it?” the man cackles moving off to fix himself a drink in the makeshift kitchen they’d built within the ruins of the factory. 

Ivy was desperate now, willing to make a deal even with the Joker to get rid of this.

“Well, how can we fix it then? Isn’t there…”.

“Nope” he says, moving the ice and liquor into the mixer and shaking it up. “Like I said, no acid bath neutralizer BEFORE” he stresses, “exposure? No fixey. Not that I would want to fix this anyways. I mean, Batman is going to very distracted with you humping at his leg with the intensity of a rabid chihuahua anyways!”.

He smirks, stopping what he’s doing for a second to stare. “How long has it been?”

She thinks back, trying to count down how long ago her plan in the gardens had backfired. “About...ten hours ago”.

“Uhhohh”.

  
“What?” she asks, her voice taking on a particularly panicked tone. “What’s happening?”

“Well, the gestation period is about ten hours” he begins, continuing to mix his drink. “Or...maybe more, maybe less. Symptoms will begin right away but after those first ten...woah boy, Batsy is in for it”.

He pours the contents of the mixer into a glass and brings it to his lips, sighing contentedly and running his fingers through his green hair as he does. “Hmm...tell me, are you starting to see the world like Harley does?”

“Wha…” she asks before shaking her head, trying to fix her eyes a bit before continuing this conversation. Everything was beginning to look...colorful, cartoonish even.

“Ahh, I take that as a yes” Joker says, leaning against the counter and downing your drink. “You see, you’re going mad” he begins. “Not mad like me of course, but, well, like Harley does”.

  
At that moment the Hyenas, Bud and Lou, in Ivy’s vision, get up and put on monocles and top hats they had secreted behind the chair. “I say Bud, I do believe she is losing it”.

“Huzzah! She finally understands what it’s like to be like Harley!”

“Yippee!”

The two link paws and begin to dance an Irish jig, causing Harley to giggle and wave at them. “Ohh my babies are so cute!”. That was definitely worrying to Ivy. ‘Ohh God...I’m...I’m turning into Harley?’.

“Hmm...I can see it in your eyes. You’re almost there. Luckily for you of course, your insanity has a focus. A certain...bat stuck in your belfry. Tell me, are you starting to think of him? Maybe even see him everywhere?” Joker asks, throwing his glass against the wall and letting the pieces fall to the floor where a pile of shards had built up.

“Now, tell Doctor Joker” he teases. “Are you thinking about how he looks? He’s a handsome man, I’ll say that for him”.

“Ivy” she hears, causing her to turn to the bed where Joker and Harley slept. It was dirty and aged of course, but upon it, at least in her mind, was Batman. He was naked except for his cowl, and her eyes roved over the entirety of his body at will, biting her lips as she saw the muscles and one particular organ that wanted to be seen.

Between his lips was a rose as he laid on his side, beckoning her to the bed.

She lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding in, indeed beginning to feel hot under the collar. “Or are you thinking of something else? Something more loving perhaps?”

She turns to the other side of the room where a leaking bathtub was though in bursts into a full one in her imagination, red rose petals swirling at the top of it as Batman, still wearing a cowl but now also a robe, smiles and gestures for her to come closer.

“Ivy, come here. You’ve had a long day”.

“Batman…” she blushes out, making to move forward and making to get undressed, not truly able to discern fact from fiction at this point, reality from fantasy. “Or maybe something more domestic?”

The sound of babies crying draws her attention to the far side of the room where Batman was in the kitchen besides Joker, an apron and three piece suit under his cowl now while he cradles two swaddled babies. One was a boy, his head, also having a cowl for some reason, peaking out from the blankets, while the other was a girl, the spitting image of Ivy.

“Honey, I’m glad you’re home. Mind giving me a hand with the kids? They’ve missed you all day”.

“Ohh sweetie...come to mama” she says before blushing and clapping her hands to her ears, trying to block it all out. “This isn’t real Ivy. You can fight this. It isn’t real”.

“Ohh but you want it to be” Joker says, digging the knife in deeper as he comes around to her. “All you can think about is him right now isn’t it? I bet you want to rush out and find him, smother him in kisses right now don’t you greenie?”

She moans out, thinking of doing just that. 

Joker pretends to strike a contemplative pose, smirking to himself. “I wonder how he’d react to you? Think he’d ignore you? Or maybe..hehe, maybe he’d find himself unable to take his hands off of you? Think that might be possible? That he’d love you as much as you already love him?”.

Ivy couldn’t take it anymore. Her visions were becoming even clearer and now she even saw little bat cherubs circling her head, all of them cooing out to her. “Come find me Ivy!”

“I love you Ivy!”

She smiles and her eyes open wide. “I...I have to go find my puddin’” she says, shocking Harleen who finally seemed to notice that something was off with her friend. “Umm...Mistah J!” she calls out, slowly moving to her feet. “For Ivy? This ain’t normal. Yo! Ive! Greenie! You in there?” the bleached blonde calls out, waving her hand in front of her friend who seemed to still be off in lala hand, her chest rising and falling with the heavy breaths she was taking.

“Ohh relax Harley” Joker says, coming up behind his lackey and giving her behind a firm slap. She lets out an “Ooph” before smiling at the now horny clown as he rubs himself up against her rear. “It’s all in good fun Harley...besides, she ain’t gonna change much. She’ll still be your gal pa…”.

Ivy was facing away from them, at hearing their voices? Her smile drops. “Criminal scum”.

“What?” Joker asks, turning back to the woman. “What did ya say Greenie? Didn’t hear ya?”

Ivy feels her fists clench in rage as she tries to keep it together. “I said...criminal scum”. She turns, eyeing them angrily and glaring, reminding them a bit of...the patented bat glare. “Uhh ohh…” Joker says, backing up as the woman advances upon them. “Batman works himself to the bone to keep these streets clean. Every night, he has to corral you and the others and for what?”.

She grasps Harleen by the collar of her top, hoisting her up with one hand.  
  
“Hey umm...Red? Ya been workin’ out..urrkkk”.

“I’m tired of you insulting him. Terrorizing the good people of Gotham. Hurting him and them any chance you get. I’m going to stop it. Right here, and right now!”

Joker wasn’t sticking around to hear what she meant by that, and he makes for the door, hoping that Ivy would be content on taking it out on Harleen, but a vine shimmies its way up the foundation and blocks the door. “Ohh no…”.

“Who...who are you?” Harleen screams out, not recognizing her friend in that moment, especially as she hatefully glares at them. “I am the night. I am justice. I am Batman’s lover!” she shouts, shocking the woman as she shakes her back and forth before bringing her in even closer to look right into her eyes. “I am Bat Ivy!”

For some reason, thunder seems to roll in at that moment, accompanied by lightning which flashes by the window, covering up Ivy in shadow as the lights kick out. “Ohh no..” Joker says once again.

**_Two Hours Later_ **

The Police had received a call about the whereabouts of the Joker, and as usual, they had to check it out, even if they were sure it was just a crank call. They move up the stairs, not saying a word until they hear something on the other side of the door. “Way to go Harley, really. Excellent work!”

“Thanks Mistah J!”

“THAT WASN’T A COMPLIMENT YOU DOLT!”  
  


“Hey! Stop yellin’ at me! It’s yer fault anyways fer sending me that junk, hey, what was that you said ‘bout dosin’ me with it?”.

“Forget it Harley”.

“I won’t forget it and I want answers!”

The Police kick in the door, having already drawn their weapons in a preemptive move. It turned out to be completely unnecessary though, as Joker and Harley were already bound in the middle of the room….by what looked like giant vines.

Around them a bunch of massive Venus fly traps stood guard, snapping at the two criminals to keep them in their bonds. One turns to the other on its immediate right and growls out. “So we’re the good guys now?”  
  


“I guess”.

“Bullshit”.

Joker had had enough though and he writhes within the grip of the vines. “Just get me the fuck out of here! Even Arkham is better than the madhouse this city is becoming. First the bat and now Ivy? What the fuck is happening?”

The officers look at each other just as confused as the clown prince while Harleen just pouts. “Lost my friend and now I’m going to jail. What’s next?”

Outside however, a new silhouette hangs over the Gotham skyline, standing atop a tall building, back ramrod straight. Her hair blows out behind her, and for a moment someone might think it was Batgirl, but yet another peel of lightning breaks out revealing exactly who it was.

Poison Ivy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, accidentally posted this as Gangs of Gotham update o.o 
> 
> All of the characters are OOC, for humor reasons. Hope you enjoyed this complete random idea lol. It's not well fleshed out because well..it's a two shot. Smash that kudos button please!

**_Gotham City_ **

The communications within the batmobile come to life just as Bruce yawns, reaching over to pick up the coffee he’d just purchased. It was an odd night for the employee at Dunkin Donuts who had taken his order, him going through the drive through with the batmobile.

He’s about to sip from the cup and click on the link when he goes over a pothole, sending the car jumping up into the air and spilling his coffee all around him, scalding his lap. He holds in the scream of pain he wants to let loose, pursing his lips and trying to focus.

‘Well...at least I’m not tired anymore’.

“Sir, did you...did you just drop…”.

“What is it Alfred?”

The butler clears his throat, gathering himself and trying to suppress the laughter he wants to let loose before moving back to the issue at hand. Bruce could still see that he was smiling through the inbuilt computer screen.

“I have been in communication with Commissioner Gordon” he explains. “Apparently Ivy has a credit card, which has been used at two places”.

“Who gave Ivy a credit card?” he aks, a bit surprised that any company would consider a super villainess a worthy investment in regards to a charge card. “Discovery I believe sir” he says before going on. “She also has a Macy’s card, a Subway rewards card andddd….ohh, an Amazon account”.

The two are silent for a moment, the sound of the Batmobile’s engine going as the car moves down the street. “How have we been unable to track her in the past?”.

“It must’ve slipped our minds to check sir” Alfred says, also embarrassed now that the true ramifications of what this meant came to them. Bruce sighs, closing his eyes and shaking his head in exasperation. “Alright, where was she and what did she purchase?”

“She went to a costume shop in Downtown Gotham” Alfred rattles off, “annnd a tattoo shop of all places, believe it or not”.

Bruce turns the car, making its way onto the off ramp that would lead him to the part of the city that Ivy at least had just been. “Why would she go to a tattoo shop?”

“No idea sir, but I have run an analysis on the containers that were seized from the Joker’s hideout” the butler forges on. “I believe that they are more than a simple aphrodisiac”.

“Explain”.

“Well sir, Ivy has an immunity to most toxins correct?”. Bruce nods, not taking his eyes off the road. “Yet, she has fallen prey to this..love potion regardless. It is still of Joker’s hands of course, but….someone has helped him. Someone with access to magic”.

Bruce feels his eyes narrow at the idea, not enjoying that thought at all.

“Indeed sir”.

“We don’t have time to figure out who now” Batman says. “We have to focus on Ivy and finding her…what?” Alfred’s face had turned serious and he looks around at anything other than the screen, apparently not happy to deliver the news he would soon have to communicate. “Perhaps I shall clean the dinosaur again...Master Jason? Where did you leave the forklift?” Alfred calls out.

“Alfred…” Bruce asks again. “What’s going on?”

“Well...we might have a problem with...Ms. Isley and...curing her”.

“How so?”

“Well...the toxin rewrites DNA sir...in its entirety”.

Bruce still wasn’t following, and his confusion must’ve been evident by the look on the lower portion of his cowl. “It means that a overriding love for you has been imprinted into every cell of Ms. Isley’s body”.

“We can…..figure out something when we get to it”.

“You’re not following sir” Alfred says, deciding to pull up a picture of Harley Quinn. “You see this, yes?”

“Yes, that’s Harley Quinn, Alfred, we don’t have time for mind games…”.

Alfred pulls up another picture, this time of Harley before meeting the Joker. “This is her before...this is her after. Now, she was given a non magical dose of this toxin. Do you see the picture that has been painted for you Master Bruce?”

“Alfred…”.

“Bloody hell man!” Alfred shouts out, getting angry at having to be the bearer of bad news all the time. “Her entire personality, on a genetic level, is being rewired based on her fixation with you. You’re not even dealing with Poison Ivy anymore…”.

It begins to dawn upon him, and his face goes white in shock. “You mean…”.

“Yes” Alfred says. “She is turning into a female variant of you, or at least what she believes will be most likely to win her your affection. She’s going to be even harder to track…”.

“Not true” he says, pushing his worry to the side. “We can find her based on her last purchases. We’ll fix this Alfred” he says. “Are you sure sir? Or shall I prepare to let yet another masked, brooding vigilante into our lives and Manor?”

“Batman out”. 

He abruptly severs the link between him and the cave, moving on with his mission which he didn’t know, was about to get a whole lot more complicated.

**_Meanwhile, in the Batcave_ **

Alfred sighs to himself as he seats himself back down at the computer, turning only to look at the mini fridge he’d had to borrow from Jason to cool the mysterious toxins. It sat behind him, plugged into an outlet and humming noisily away.

“Hey Alfred” Jason calls out, strolling into the cave, fresh off patrol. “How’s it going with that whole Ivy is obsessed with Batman thing?” he asks, moving over towards said mini fridge and opening it. “Master Jason, please do not tamper with those” the butler calls out. “They’re extremely dangerous”.

“Relax Al” the man says. “Just grabbing some soda for me and the boys”.

His eyes land upon the mountain dew that each of the four male Robins partook in only when engaged in a battle of skill on the Xbox, strategically placed in the family room. His eyes land upon the glass jars, and curiosity sets in as Alfred turns away again, content that the young man wouldn’t do anything dangerous. 

“Hey Al...what’s the deal with these things anyways?” he asks, idly thinking about the possibilities. ‘That hot piece of ass Raven from the Titans...hmmm...wouldn’t mind having a...would I call her a hoodie then?’

“Well Master Jason, I never took you for one to be interested in chemistry” Alfred says, running more tests. “Just worried if it’s contaminating my fridge Al. Everything okay?”.

“As long as we have them here? Yes, though...it appears they’re becoming more unstable” the man tiredly admits. “While Ivy’s gestation period took hours, and even now she seems to still be evolving...if the batch were to be used now, it appears that it would take only a matter of seconds. The proteins are…”.

Alfred’s speech turns into that gibberish that adults in the Peanuts used to speak of, and Jason could only focus on the chemicals swirling within the jars. “Uhh huh…” he says, pretending to be listening as he counts out all four and casts one last look at Alfred. 

Quickly he swoops them into his arms, hiding them in the open folds of his jacket. “Alright Al. Sounds good. Me and the guys are gonna be playing some COD. If the big man needs us, let me know”.

He wanted to make a beeline up to the room where the others were waiting, intent on letting them in on the plan he’d already formed in his mind. “COD, Master Jason?” he asks, still staring intently at the screen. “I thought you hated fish”.

“Call of Duty” Jason enunciates. “A video game. Get with the times Jeeves” he good naturedly jests while rushing up the stairs, his mind already fixated on the thought of Raven’s ass cheeks, that sexy unitard of hers wedged between them. ‘Not gonna slap me this time babe’ he thinks, remembering when he’d met the Titans and decided to go in for a kiss. ‘Muahahahah!’

He secretly loved the opportunity to be “bad” every once in a while, apparently not having known about how severe the toxins were as, as usual, he hadn’t been paying attention. ‘Dick can get Starfire back, Tim can stop humping at Barbara’s legs, and Damien? Well, that brat can have nothing and like it’ he thinks, vowing to keep the last jar to himself.

‘Just in case’.

“Apparently it has another strange facet that I haven’t told Master Bruce of yet” Alfred drones on, not realizing that Jason had left while he was speaking. “It only works if the infected already has romantic feelings for the subject of their desires. If their intended is not there, they will seek them out subconsciously until they get a scent….and you’re not here” Alfred says, peaking back at the fridge and seeing that nothing had changed. 

‘We’ll...I’m so glad what I say matters in this house’ he says, angrily typing away a resignation note he’d written and then disposed of what felt like a million times already. With a sigh he moves the open word document to the trash once more, having only gotten three words in.

‘The things I do for love’.

**_Crime Alley_ **

“Yo, that was tight yo! That whole track!” one of the goons says, exiting from the illegal and underground club hidden in the sewer of Crime Alley. As they exited the manhole, covering it back up, one of them throws a soda can upon the ground, and the steel can clatters away, rolling amongst the other trash as the three continue to laugh.

“Littering, is a crime”.

The voice came from above them, and despite being female, had a forced husky and deep tone to it. The three men look up and see the all too familiar outline of a pointy eared mask and cape fluttering in the wind. “Woah...Batgirl?” one asks, turning to the others with a shrug.

The woman just narrows her eyes. “Better than Batgirl”.

She jumps down to the alley, landing crouched upon her feet atop the stone,before slowly rising, a pained look on her face as the woman whimpers. “How does he make that look so easy?” She reaches down, rubbing her knees and letting them get a much better look at her.   
  
As she moved about, trying to walk off the pain of such a fall, they can’t help but laugh at the woman, who was dressed in a Halloween costume variant of Batman’s suit. Even now, one ear had flopped over cartoonishly, and the cape fluttered about uselessly, the woman still wearing her sneakers. 

  
Still...she cut a rather attractive figure, with her well rounded breasts, wide hips and overall very attractive figure. “Hey lady, don’t think the comic con is in town” one says, and another joins in quickly. “But eh...if ya wanna hang with us..that’s fine too” he smirks, letting out a wolf whistle.

Ivy had finally gotten over the pain of her rough landing and turns to glare at the men, gesturing towards the can on the ground. “Batman wouldn’t like you littering. Pick it up. Now”.

“Or what?” the leader asks. “Ya gonna give me a spanking?”

“Hell yeah” his friend says, high fiving him. “I think I’d like that”.

Ivy was less than amused and simply deepens her glare, summoning forth a few vines that sneak up behind the three men. “Yeah, we can even strip you out of that shitty outfit…”.

The vines catch on their legs, yanking them up into the air and causing them to scream out in pain. “Ohh god! Ohh god! It’s Poison Ivy!” one shouts, finally letting it dawn on them exactly who this was. The redhead meanwhile winces, realizing that it was going to be virtually impossible to keep a secret identity as herself.

‘Dammit..Batman is going to be mad! Figure it out Ivy!’

“Umm...no I’m not! I’m….”.

She didn’t have an answer, and she deflates in defeat, hoping her love could forgive her. “Alright, yeah I’m Poison Ivy” she admits before walking up to one of the men who was hanging upside and grasping him by the collar. He winces in fear and pain, especially as she pulls a fist back.

“What’s down there!” she growls out.

“It’s just a dance club…” the guy begins to cry. “Yeah! Honest! Please, please...don’t kill us!”

She was honestly perplexed by this, and a little let down. “I...I’ve been watching you people come in and out of here for like an hour...are you sure that’s all it is?”

“Scouts honor! I promise!” the man says, and Ivy knows that he’s telling the truth. “Dammit... I wanted something big for Batman...wait, why are you guys hiding it if it’s just a dance club?”

“Alcohol” he says. 

“We don’t have a liquor license” he says, brightening Ivy’s mood. “Good! Then you’re still criminal scum who avoid city ordnances and litter!”

She lets go of the man to walk over and pick up the discarded can, placing it in a trash bin not too far away. She turns back, returning to her previous attempts at being intimidating. “You’re crimes are...no, no..something cooler...umm….ohhh! I know” she says, clearing her throat and starting again.

“Time to take out the trash”.

The three men were quiet but they look at each other and nod. “Was that good?” she asks self consciously. “I’m really, really trying to work on my one liners so Batman can think I’m cool..I...hehe...I really wanna be the cool girlfriend ya know?” she says, scratching the back of her head.

“Ohh yeah no, totally fit” the men say, sure that they weren’t going to be killed now. “How about the delivery? Was it okay?”

“A little too gruff”.

“I knew it. I knew I was overdoing it” she says with a sigh, though appreciative of the constructive criticism she had received. “It’s cool. It wasn’t too bad. Just sayin’. Hey umm...are you and the bats dating or something?”

“Well umm...not yet but, we’re almost a settled thing” she says, smiling and blushing. “I...well...hmmm..time to call Gordon!” she says, embarrassed and not wanting to give too much away as she turns and pulls out her cellphone, dialing up the commissioner.

‘Shouldn’t have loudly announced what I was going to do. Batman would never do that’.

“Hello?”

“Gordon” she says, still using the gruff voice which she quickly corrects. “I have another trio of ner’ do wells. Their crime? Littering, and operating an illegal business without a license”.

“Who is this?” comes the voice on the other end of the line. “You’ve had my cops running all over the city for these nonsense little things. What’s going on? Who the hell are you and HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?”

“Umm...phonebook” she says simply, causing the man to go silent.

“This is gonna sounds nuts, but legitimately, I had no idea they still even had those”.

“Well..yeah, they do, as for who I am?” she asks, drawing out a rope with a hook on the end, which for the moment would serve as her grappling gun. “I’m Batman’s woman”.

  
She tosses the hook up against the roof and yanks on it, ensuring she’s tightly bond before taking a breath and beginning to climb up the side of the building.

“Umm...Catwoman?”

“NO!” she shouts into the phone angrily, wanting to rip out Selina’s eyes at that very moment. “Umm…..I mean, the real question I guess would be who hasn’t the Bat been involved with...ohh wait! Is this Poison Ivy!”

She squeals, tossing the phone away to the floor and whispering, “my secret identity! It’s been exposed”.

She wasn’t going to focus on that right now, as her mind was too preoccupied with continuing her patrol, stopping crimes as much as she could. ‘Catwoman’ she scowls. ‘Like she’d be any good at this. Puhlease puddin’. You know I’m better than her...maybe not at...climbing...or hand to hand combat but….’.

She trails off in her thoughts, grunting as she reaches the top of the roof and hefts herself over, catching on her stomach and kicking her legs out to try and help push her further up which still fails.

The men below watch, admiring the woman’s form as she continues to try and do it without her powers.

As they hang upside down, one smirks and nods to himself. “She really does have a nice ass. Too bad she’s batshit crazy”.

“Batshit? Or Batdick?”

The trio share a laugh at that one, forgetting for a moment that they were bound, waiting to be picked up for the crime of...well...littering.

**_Indie World Tattoo Parlor_ **

Bruce grasps the man by the scarf he wore around his neck and slams him against the wall, making the hipster practically piss his pants. “Ivy! She was here! What did she want?” he asks, demanding an answer as the man begins to cry.

He looked pathetic. More than pathetic, with his beanie, scrawny build, glasses and tattoo sleeves. “Dude...you like, can’t treat me like this!” he lisps out in a permanently offended tone. “I didn’t commit any crime bro!”

Bruce picks him up and slams him across his desk, spilling a coffee cup over and sending it’s contents across the desk. The man seemed to be more angered by that than anything else, and he reaches out for the empty cup. “My soy chai latte!” he shouts, watching as the foul looking liquid moves over to two pieces of strange, green bread.

“And you like got it all over my avocado toast! I haven’t done anything wrong!”

The man’s beanie had fallen off during the scuffle, and Bruce sees that he wore his hair in a bun as well. Scowling he gets close and says, “That’s debatable. Now...Ivy! Talk!”

“What’s to know dude?” he asks. “She came in for a tattoo and I gave her one” he says with his hands up as if to shield him from being further battered by the vigilante. He smiles at the memory of the green woman though. “She was like...totally hot. Her chakra energy? It was off the charts dude…”.  
  
Bruce didn’t even know how to respond to that one, so he let it slide, though the desire to punch the man...if he could be called that, in the face was intensifying with every second that went by. “What did she want tattooed?”

“On her lower back dude…”.

“A tramp stamp?”

He was offended by that term apparently, and he glares up at the Batman. “Uhh bro...you did not just call a piece of art that a woman has a right to adorn her own body in by such a crude name!” he rants. “That’s a microaggression, and totally not cool in the current year!”

“If you don’t tell me what it was…” Batman seethes. “I’m going to show you a macro aggression. Now talk”. He emphasizes his point by picking him up and slamming him back down, causing him to cry out and finally to acquiesce.

“Dude, it was a bat symbol!” he says. “I thought you would’ve like...known or something, seeing she seemed pretty hot for you. Though I don’t know why bro. No offense, but you’re kinda toxic”.

Bruce didn’t take offense at that. 

Not at all.

“I was like, totally going to ask for her number, but that would’ve been totally uncool. So I just added her on Insta and hope to spark a connection that way” the man continues, assuring Bruce that there was nothing else he could possibly offer except a possible lead on where she might’ve went.

“Where did she…”.

“Don’t know” the man says, reaching towards the phone in his pocket, now bored with the conversation as he idly opens it up and begins to check his social media. Bruce releases him in disgust, making to move back out of the tattoo parlor.

“Like uhh, hey dude! Can I get something for my soc? Not even day you get beaten up by the Batman”.

“I didn’t even start on you”.

  
Regardless the man moves up besides him and quickly takes a picture, already posting it by the time he turns away from the famous vigilante. “Dude, check out my soc to see how this blows up. My Facebook is Gavin Clive”.

He wasn’t even looking up, ever engrossed in his phone within his tattoo studio, and Bruce just sighs. “Of course it is” he sighs before deciding to give the man a piece of advice. “Just so you know, having a beard, driving a hybrid and drinking craft beer isn’t a personality” he says as a parting gift before exiting, leaving the apoplectic Gavin to sputter in his wake.

“Totally not cool dude! I’m gonna tell my band what you said, and when they hear we’re gonna tell everyone at open mic night! I’m telling you. You’re cancelled bro! It’s over for you bro! Fucking fascist!”

With that he rockets off into the night, still looking for Ivy.

**_Hours Later_ **

Bruce was finally heading home, unable to even stay awake for much longer. He hadn’t found Ivy, despite the path of...well, justice he would guess, that she left across the city. Litterers, jay walkers and purse snatchers were all taken down by the ever elusive woman.

He’d continue to track her, but for now? It seemed as if she was stopping crime, rather than committing it. He yawns as he drives the batmobile into the cave, unaware that he had been followed, such was the state of of his mind.

A figure slips into the cave behind him, hiding in the shadows and using the natural means at her disposal to bypass the cave’s security measures. Biometric scanners, tripwires, none of these things dissuaded her as she moved onwards, using her meager abilities and the Batman’s tiredness against him.

She was giddy with excitement, having managed to follow him all the way back to this location by using her connection to the green. ‘Why haven’t I thought of this before?’ she thinks, waving to a group of mushrooms growing on the cave floor that seem to sway back and forth, acknowledging her.

The Batman slips out of the batmobile, and yawns loudly, stretching his arms and removing his mask. She wants to squeal in happiness at seeing that the Batman was Bruce Wayne of all people. ‘Your puddin’ is rich too Ivy!’ she thinks, creeping along as the man strips down right in front of her. Her heartbeat quickens as her eyes move over his toned body, muscles still slick with sweat of his night’s exertions. He posed, seemingly for himself, flexing a bicep in front of a mirror towards the far side of the cave.

She puts her hand up to her mouth and crosses her legs, feeling warmth emanate up and down her body as Bruce shrugs and slips out of his pants, apparently, not having bothered with underwear. For the moment, she only has a view of his rear end, but quickly he turns and her jaw drops at what she sees dangling between his legs.

She moves back behind the rock crevice she had been hiding behind, fully obscuring herself and quickly fist pumps, overjoyed at just how lucky she was.   
  
When she turns back around to peak once more, he had placed a robe about his body, obscuring him from her sight. She wants to hiss in displeasure, but she knows that soon enough she’ll see the full package again. 

‘Literally’.

Bruce moves towards the Bat Computer, apparently at least wanting to get a short video log on the night’s events. “Couldn’t find Ivy. Too tired to go on” he begins, having been pressed even to his limits. “We need to find her quickly though. She has to be cured. Batman out”.

With that he turns and begins to plod away, obviously heading up to take a shower. She watches as he advances up the stairs leading into the manor, or what she assumed to be the manor. For a moment, she relishes being alone, especially in the batcave where every square inch reminded her of Batman.

She twirls upon her feet, letting out a squeal of delight.

“I’m home!” she says a little too loudly, prompting her to cover her mouth and look around, ensuring that nobody else had noted her presence. “I’m home…” she whispers this time, though giggling soon after before throwing herself into his chair and twirling about childishly in it. As the wheels roll it about the floor, she takes a look around and sighs. “This place needs a woman’s touch”.

She gets up, taking stock of the batcave and pointing out places to herself that could fit a flower or some fauna evolved to life underground. “Ohh Bruce...I’m going to make such a good wifey for you baby!” she says, hugging herself and pretending it was him. “But first...mama’s gotta do some things. I’ll be up very shortly, so...enjoy your shower”.

First she removes the backpack she wore, hidden beneath the cheesy cape that she had upon her back, unzipping it and removing her old costume. “Uggh, goodbye wedgies” she thinks, moving over to the side of the cave upon which a display case for all the Batman’s villains’ items were held. She sees an empty glass case and decides to take advantage of it, hanging up her old uniform within its confines and closing the door.

She steps back, hands on her hips to admire her work.

“Hmm...goodbye Poison Ivy” she says to herself, moving over to the changing area and stripping off her gloves, mask and cape, throwing them atop the Batsuit that Bruce had so easily discarded. She loved the symbolism, her suit mingled with his. ‘Batman and Bat…..something...Bat Ivy? Bat Vine? Bat Flower? Ohh...flower...I’m Bruce’s favorite flower!’ she thinks while beginning to hum in happiness, the thought making her want to dance. 

She slowly lifts her top off, letting her breasts free. “Ohhh...nippy in here” she moans, feeling her nipples become erect from the chill. She reaches downwards regardless and pushes off her pants, also taking a moment to remove her shoes as she does so.

For the moment, she opts to remain in her very thin panties, thinking that Bruce would like to see them, and remove them, himself. She smiles and bites her lip while casting a glance up the stairs that the man had ascended not very long ago.

“Get ready puddin’”.

  
She begins to walk towards the stairs, moving almost like a predatory jungle cat. “Ivy is coming for you”.

**_A Little While Later_ **

The shower had felt good, though it didn’t calm his racing thoughts and rampant worries. ‘Ivy’s still out there’. He throws the robe about him again, tying the sash and exiting the bathroom, Alfred having gone to sleep as soon as he knew that he was home, and home safe. 

‘She isn’t herself’ he goes on. ‘She needs help’,

He opens the door to his room and yawns again, moving forward and looking at his soft bed with something akin to worship. “I need sleep”.

The door closes abruptly, and he turns to see a mostly naked Ivy standing there. She’d hidden behind the door, and as soon as he was fully in the room, she pushes with her hand to close it, slamming it shut.

“Ivy!” his eyes go wide, ready for whatever was going to be thrown at him...which, apparently? It was Ivy herself. She pounces, throwing herself atop the man and sending them both careening onto the bed, her chest pressed up against the robe and her thighs straddling his waist.

“Ohh puddin’” she moans out, kissing his cheeks, lips, face and really anywhere that she could get a good hold upon. He hadn’t expected this, though he knew that the toxin had affected her in an unorthodox way. For a moment, he wonders if her kisses are poisonous, and he tries to push her off him but he is stopped as vines emanate out of the potted plant that sits on his window sill, binding his wrists and ankles to the bed.

“WHEN DID WE GET SO MANY PLANTS IN THIS HOUSE?!” he shouts out, exasperated by how easily he was incapacitated. “Aww puddin...Ivy’s sorry” she says, moving up to straddle his waist, giving him a good view of her beautifully sculpted body and the adorable pouting expression she had upon her face while she reaches down to undo the sash of his robe.

“I just couldn’t wait anymore. Butttt! I was a good girl all night. Didn’t you see?”

“Yes Ivy” he says, trying to approach this rationally, though it was getting harder to do with her crotch positioned so snugly against his own. He shifts away, trying to escape the woman who only tightens the vines. “But...this isn’t you. You need help. You were poisoned…”.

“Poison smoisned” she says, making a mockery of the world. “I feel great! And soon...you’re gonna feel great too” she whispers against his lips, having leaned down to kiss him. “Ivy..stop…”.

“Ohhh” she says, her eyes widening as she looks down. “What’s that I feel? Are you growing a tree between your legs Bruce?” she asks, reminding him that he’d also have to deal with the fact that she knew his secret identity now. “Ivy...we need to get you to the cave. We need to cure you..”.

  
She reaches down and grasps his member through the robe, lightly beginning to pleasure him with her hand. “I think I found the tree!” she giggles. “Ohh what a big tree! I love big trees. You know that right?” she asks while turning about and repositioning herself on his lap so that he was looking at her back.

His eyes travel over the woman’s body, admiring the green hue that her skin had. His eyes travel even lower though, and they widen at what they see below, right above her ass cheeks. “Ivy…”.

“Hmm, you like it puddin’?” she asks, beginning to gently rub her pert cheeks against his crotch, making him moan as he hardens even more. “I gotta give the tree what it needs to grow”.

“Ivy…”.

His eyes kept coming back to the tattoo across her lower back. A bat symbol...his bat symbol specifically. He’d known it was there of course, but the hipster hadn’t told him about what else was there. In bold letters right above the symbol, it said, “Property of Batman”.

“Mmmm, you like it baby?”

He struggles even harder now, knowing that this was quickly getting out of hand. “Ivy!” he barks angrily. “We need to end this. You were dosed with a magically enhanced Joker toxin, none of what you’re feeling is real…”.

She turns once more, moving up his body and pressing her lips to his passionately while thrusting her tongue into his mouth. His words die right then, being taken away by the woman’s oral assault. When she finally pulls back, lightly biting his lip as she does, she glares at him, though it quickly turns into a much more...evil type of grin that reminded him of the old Ivy.

“It’s about to get real. Really real” she says, ripping open the robe fully now, leaving him to her mercy. “And you know what? You’re gonna be begging for it soon”.

She moves into his neck, suckling deeply at the pulse point and further enticing him, though he still knew something had to be done. He turns his head and screams for the one man who could help him, the one man who could save him from this entire situation. “ALFRED!”

Ivy giggles, having already checked in on the old butler and the others who lived in the manor, as well as Bruce’s sons. “Go ahead and scream” she says, moving herself up to further exert dominance over him. “It’s only gonna make me hotter”.

Outside the room, his shouts intensify, as does the shaking of the bed in conjunction with Ivy’s moans. “OHH YES PUDDIN! RIGHT THEREEEEE! PLOW MY GARDEN BABY!”

“ALFRED! ALFREDDDDDDDD!”

**_Meanwhile, in Alfred’s Room...right next to Bruce’s_ **

The man snored, loudly, even as the walls shook around him from the force of Iv’s lovemaking. “ALFRED! ALFREDDDD!”

The man continued to snore, ear muffs over his ears that Ivy had conveniently placed as he was sleeping, while his eyes were covered by an eye mask, reducing the effective range of his knowledge of the world only to his dreams.

“Mmm...Master Jason….take the trash to...the Justice League please…” he says, dreaming even now of his waking duties. The cries for help slowly recede into pleasure grunts on Bruce’s part as the animalistic rutting continues, culminating in Ivy’s final climax, at which she shouts out “YAHTZEE!” which was muffled only by the walls.

  
After that, the manor descends into silence, a silence that would break into a confused awakening in a few hours. However, for now? All members of the bat family were tucked safely in their beds.

**_The Next Morning_ **

“Ding donnnngggg” the bell chimed out, drawing the butler’s attention as he walks to the front door, not having expected anyone at this hour. He had decided to let Bruce sleep in, knowing how long of a night he had had, and had urged everyone else to not disturb him either.

Which was why the well dressed man rushes to the door, wanting to preempt the sound of the bell from awakening Bruce.

“Yes, may I help you?” he asks instinctively as he opens the door, seeing a man dressed in a brown uniform, indicative of his employment as a UPS deliveryman. Beside him was a stack of boxes, nestled atop each other upon a handtruck.“Uhh, hello, I’ve got a delivery here for a Ms. Pamela Isley?” he asks, looking down at his tablet that he used to keep track of the deliveries he’d have to make. 

Alfred’s eyes widen at that, unsure of what to make of it or what to even say. ‘Does this have to do with the investigation?’ he ponders, wondering if it was some sort of trap. “I’m sorry, but there is nobody of that name here” he says stiffly, covering up Bruce’s secrets by denying everything as usual.

“Uhh bud, I can read ya know?” the insistent delivery driver says, showing the address clearly outline upon the screen. 

“That surprises me yes” Alfred retorts, in no mood for any of this so early in the morning when he was focused on making breakfast.

“Look, just sign for this crap and…”.

“Ohh! Alfred, that’s for me!” Pamela says, moving down the stair case from the second floor wearing nothing more than Bruce’s robe about her undoubtedly nude body. She moves with such grace and poise, a smile splitting her lips as she moves to the door and takes the offered stylus from the deliveryman.

“Sign here, and here please” 

She does so, the smile never leaving her face even as she hands back the electronic device to the man. “Thank you! If you can, just wheel it in here please” she says, stepping to the side and acting as if she owned the manor herself.

Alfred was in shock, his mouth agape as the UPS man drops the packages off and moves back out of the front door. “Thank you!” Ivy calls, clinging to the doorframe and waving as the man leaves, closing the door behind her.

Alfred was staring at her still, his mind rapidly fighting to understand what was happening.

Ivy however just moves to the boxes and opens the very top one up, a blush on her face as she retracts a very lacy negligee. “Ohhh! They put the good box on top” she says, rifling through the rest. “Mmm...KY jelly, edible plant based panties...hmmm..it’s all here!”

She boxes it all up again, though she holds the negligee in her hand, allowing Alfred to see that once it was on her, it would leave practically nothing to the imagination. “I better go get changed. I want Bruce to wake up in an even better mood, and I have a feeling that seeing me in this will raise his spirits and wring another quickie out of him”.

She holds the other box under her arm and moves towards Alfred, pressing a kiss to his cheek as he continues to stand there. “If you can Alfred, can I have some orange juice please? And maybe a muffin if you have one? Ohh, and Bruce wants the continental breakfast. He’s gonna need the energy. Thank you very much” she says before moving away, retreating back up the stairs with even more of a pep in her step.

He hears the door to Bruce’s bedroom slam, and almost on automation, he makes his way back into the kitchen, getting ready to follow her orders.

**_Later_ **

“You okay Al?” Dick asks the nearly catatonic man who was standing at the sink, still washing dishes.

“Huh?”

“Are you okay?” Dick repeats as Jason, Tim and Damien enter, taking their respective seats at the table. “I...yes...everything is fine Master Dick” Alfred says, wide eyed and staring off into nothing even now. “I am just...getting orange juice...and a muffin”.

Dick looks down, seeing that nothing was even in the man’s hand, and in fact said meal was placed at the table right next to Bruce’s continental breakfast. “Hey Al” Jason calls out, putting two and two together. “We having an extra guest for breakfast or what?”

At that moment, Pamela walks in besides Bruce, now fully dressed with her head upon his shoulder, gently rubbing his chest while Bruce looked utterly pleased with himself. “Puddin...that was the most amazing night of my life...the morning wasn’t so bad either…” she says before turning to see his wards all there, slack jawed as Alfred.

“Ahhh! The babies!”

She rushes forward and grasps them up in her arms, though Dick remained a bit away and thus out of reach. Tim, Damien and Jason were not so lucky however, and they were more than a little shocked at the grip she had upon them.   
  
“Good morning everyone…” Bruce says, hobbling over to his chair and groaning in pain brought about by his soreness as he sits in the chair. He eyes the meal with undisguised hunger as Ivy hugs them tighter, Jason pressed between her breasts while Damien and Tim were on either side. Ivy coos as she rubs her cheek against Damien’s head, smothering it in kisses. “Ohh they’re even cuter out of those silly little costumes you put them in Bruce”.

Bruce sips his mug of coffee, while Alfred remains at the sink, turning and placing a few bananas on the middle of the table. He was moving at a quarter speed, though Dick was only focused upon Pamela. “Bruce...what...the fuck…”.

“Language young man!” Pamela snaps out, releasing the boys but staying close, kissing each of their cheeks and sending them off to their seats. They were all blushing now, and dutifully move back to their eating stations as Ivy moves about the table, seating herself at her plate and smiling at the muffin and OJ.

“Alfred, you’re a doll. Thank you so much!” she calls out, daintily picking up the muffin and biting into it as the boys continue to look on in shock. “You’re very welcome Ms. Isley” Alfred says, trying to think straight but being unable to make it work in his mind.

'Batman plus Poison Ivy equals…...what?’

“Bruce...umm...Ivy is here and uhh...can we maybe, I don’t know, have an explanation?” Tim asks his mentor. Bruce sighs and nods, putting his fork down for a moment. “Well….Pamela is going to be staying with us from now on…” he says simply. “She’s...one of us, so I don’t want anybody to worry. Umm…..well, boys say hello to your new.…”.

“Stepmother!” she calls out happily, placing some butter on the muffin and spreading it with a knife. Bruce smiles dopiley, turning back to his meal. “Was going to say field partner but...I suppose that works as well”.

The room descends into silence as they all begin to dig in, even Alfred assuming his position at the opposite head of the table, though he only grips his utensils and looks down at the meal, still trying to move out from under the shock of it all.

“Timmy...did you finish your homework?” she asks suddenly, fixing the middle child in her sight. “Umm...not, not yet…”.

“I want that done today sweetie. School is important” she says before turning to Jason. “And you, you and your older brother are going to go prune the garden”. Dick and Jason turn to each other and laugh, prompting Ivy’s ire as she realizes they were making some sort of sexual innuendo. 

“Both of you! Timeout!” she says, pointing to the corner of the kitchen. 

“But…” Dick begins.

“No buts. Wanna have a dirty mind, you get timeout. Ten minutes each. Go”.

“Bruce!” Jason complains.

“Listen to your mother” he says absentmindedly, smiling as he pokes at his eggs. “She’s not my mother” the vigilante says. 

“After what she did last night? She can be anything she wants to be” Bruce mumbles to himself, causing Ivy to smile and turn to Bruce, gently slapping his shoulder. “Now I see where they get it from”. Dick and Jason still hadn’t moved into the corners though, and she glares at them.

“Ahhm..aren’t you supposed to be doing something?”

The two were defiant, especially as both of them had fought the woman as Robin before. “We’re not going to the corners and you can’t…”.

Vines creep out from the hanging plants by the window, grasping the two of them by their midsections and forcibly planting them in opposite corners before retracting. “You two now get twenty minutes each” she says, and now neither even dare to move from the corner.

“This isn’t fair” Nightwing whispers. “I’m twenty three years old”.

Ivy ignores them and looks back towards Tim and Damien, Tim looking towards the window sill and shaking his head. “How come we have so many plants around here?”

“As for you, my little man” she says to Damien. “You are going to go upstairs and take a bath”.

“I don’t need one” he says, crossing his arms over his chest, still defiant. “Yes you do” she teases. “Because you’re my little sweet potato pie and you need to be nice and clean, especially if you want to play your game station thingy later”.

“Father!” Damien says.   
  
Bruce looks towards his two eldest sons, both still pouting in the corner and Damien gets the message. “Fine” he says, picking at his food. “Good boy. See Bruce?” she asks, taking her man’s hand in her own across the table. “All this little family needed was a woman’s touch”.

He smiles back at her, genuinely this time, and kisses her hand. “Yes dear”.

**_One Week Later, Titans Tower_ **

The four struggle through the air vents, trying to hide their movements as best as they can and succeeding for the most part, though the quarters were cramped. Jason was leading the way, and soon his foot found its way into Dick’s face.

“Oww...watch it Hood”.

“Sorry” Jason says, indeed meaning it as he gets to the grate that peaks out onto the living room of Titans Tower.   
  
It looked like a small gathering was going on, a gathering of four women mostly. Starfire, Raven, Jinx and Barbara all surprisingly sat around on the couches, talking to one another. “I am quite surprised you joined the Titans friend Batgirl” Starfire says with a wide smile, having ditched her old costume for a much more revealing string bikini type ensemble.   
  
She had filled out quite nicely over the years and Jason could only shake his head in mirth. “Can’t believe you let that get away from you Dickie” he says back, causing Nightwing to blush in embarrassment. “Yeah well...getting her back is the only reason I’m here today. Now, everyone got their gas masks on?”

“I am too” Batgirl says, the two conversations going on concurrently as she leans her arms across the back of the couch. “It’s nice to have a team. Especially some gal time. No offense to my colleagues and all, but the Batfamily is kind of turning into a sausage fest”.

“Hmm”.

Raven was also there, not saying much outside of random noises to let the others know she was listening. Jason suppresses the whistle he wants to let loose at seeing her long legs crossed over one another, leading up to her perfect unitard cladd ass. She let her hair grow longer as she aged, and now her hood was down, letting him get a greater appreciation of it.

“Grrrr” he says to himself, imitating a cat’s growl as he checks out his intended.   
  
“I hope these things can continue” the former villainess known as Jinx says. “All we need now is some hunky male strippers!”.

“Ohh yes!” Starfire says, clapping her hands together. “We can have the hen party can we not?”

“Starfire...that’s disgusting” Raven says with a blush as Jinx moves up behind her. “Aww come on Rae Rae. Don’t want some hunky guys to come over and get all up in your biz with their junk?”

“No...I can think of nothing in the world I’d rather have happen less” she says, slapping her hand away as the others laugh. Jinx returns to her seat and smiles, looking at Barbara, suddenly a little nervous. “So...uhh...Red Robin” she begins. “What’s his deal?”

  
“What do you mean?” Barbara asks.

“Well, is he single...taken? What?”

Barbara sighs and nods. “Nope. He’s single. In fact, please go for him. If he had a girlfriend he might stop humping at my leg all the time”. The girls break out into laughter at that, even Raven suppressing a smile.

“Jason...I’m not so sure this is a good idea” Dick says, suddenly feeling a moral quandary about what they were going to do. Tim meanwhile glares at Barbara, having no idea that she actually felt that way. 

“At least he is not the creep like the Nightwing” Starfire sets in. “He is constantly calling me on my cell phone and crying about how he wishes to have me back. I would have to be a gnfr’lkr to go back to him!”

This draws even more laughter and Nightwing was shocked as well, his mouth opening and closing in anger before looking towards Jason who had a triumphant smile upon his face. “Alright let’s dose these bitches”.

“Nightwing is a class a gentleman in comparison to Red Hood” Raven says. “He’s just a pig. Nothing else to it”.

“Hey!” Barbara says, sitting up and pointing a warning finger at the sorceress. “Don’t talk about him like that. He’d been through a lot. More than you can imagine. Besides, he’s cute. And so confident in himself. You’re telling me you don’t find any of that attractive?”

“Wait…” Dick says, interrupting Jason from hearing Raven’s trash talk and thus allowing him to miss Barbara standing up for him. “Why is Damien here?”

The youngest of their group was at the end of the vent, looking up at them with a smile. “Because he’s Ivy’s sweet potato pie and she’d be pissed if we left him out of something” Jason says, hating and also loving the amount of influence the green skinned woman had been able to exert in one week. “He’s gonna hang back here anyways” Jason says, retracting the containers with the swirling chemicals within them.

“Alright, get...woaaah!”

The vent gives way, the steel groaning as it detaches from the wall, sending the bats inside and the jars hurdling out onto the main floor. The girls all jump up, ready for a fight, only to see the former and current sidekicks of the batman sprawled out in pain on the floor.

“What the…”.

The jars crack as they land, spilling their contents and filling the air with the green gas that the girls instantly breath in, coughing as they try to keep it out. “Urrggggg…” Jason moans, looking up and not managing to see anything. ‘At least the gas mask remained on’ he thinks, getting to his feet in the vapor filled air, reaching out for anyone or anything.

“Well...that plan is fucked” he says, calling out in his muffled voice. “Nightwing...Robin! Other stupidly named Robin! You okay?”

He looks around and hears more coughing, eventually seeing a shadow move towards him. It was distinctly feminine of course, but all he could see was the fluttering cape, the woman’s head being ducked down as she coughed.

‘Well...maybe it’s still salvageable’ he thinks, moving towards the woman and grasping her waist, turning her and crushing her into his chest without a moment’s thought. “Well...hello there Rae, Rae...anything else you want to say to me...BARB!” he shouts, realizing his mistake as the woman looks up at him, and due to how close they were to one another, she catches his scent.   
  
He sees the change instantly, from confusion and anger to adoration and love. “Jason…” Barbara whispers, nuzzling against him. “You saved me...from whatever this mist stuff is” she coos, moving her leg up to brush at his side while kissing his hood.

“Ohh no…..” he thinks, knowing that Tim would be utterly pissed at such a mix up. ‘How did I mistake Barb’s ass for Rae’s?’

He peaks over her shoulder, admiring her own bum for a second and realizing that it was very easily done after all. “Barb...listen...you need…”.

“All I need is you Hoodie” she giggles out cutely, reaching up to caress his cheek through the mask. “I’ve always loved you you know? You do know that right? I mean...it almost killed me when you died Jason...you’re...you’re not going anywhere without me again are you?”

She begins to sniffle, and Jason hugs her close, already resigned to dealing with the consequences of this foul up. “No Barb. I...I love you too”.

  
Across the room, Tim was just getting up as the mist was evaporating, having fallen at the feet of one of the women, though he couldn’t tell which. “Urggg...bad idea...bad idea”.

“Red?” Jinx asks, right in front of him, now reaching out for his chest to grab the fabric of his uniform. She was ready to pummel him, but the same changes that got Barbara overcome her. She blushes and stutters, something that was highly unusual for the confidence reformed villain.

“Hey umm...this might sound...crazy or some shit, maybe it is but...I love you, and have for a while. What are you going to do about it?”

“Whaaa….”.

This certainly wasn’t how he’d planned for things to go down. Right about now he wanted Barbara in his arms, caressing and cuddling him close, but instead, here was Jinx, with her bubblegum pink hair and lithe curves.

“Jinx umm...I’m flattered...really” he begins, backing up though she goes with him. “But you’re going to tell me you feel the same way right?” she asks, a bite of anger moving into her eyes as they advance upon the couch, Tim’s legs catching on it and falling, allowing Jinx to fall right atop him.

“You’re going to tell me that you think I’m hot, and have always been watching me. That you love how I’ve become a little goody two shoes right?” she goes on. “Because if not...I’m going to…” she begins, looking angry before her eyes break out with her tears. “Cry” she finishes, forcing Tim to place his hands on her waist. “Hey umm...Jinx...yeah….you’re...you’re a cute girl”.

The tears evaporate just like that, and a smile comes to her face instead. “All I needed to hear”. Soon he’s unable to speak as she is devouring his lips with her own. 

Nightwing was one of the first standing, and one of the last to get near one of the women, which he turns around to see is Raven. His eyes widen as she has pulled up her hood, obscuring her features.

“Ohh shit” he says, backing up, genuinely startled and not grasping the full measure of the situation. “Raven..don’t sneak up on me like that”.

“Dick” she whispers, tendrils of eldritch energy moving out from under her robe.

“Woah...Raven...calm down. It’s me. It’s Dick. Just relax…”.

“I know it’s you Dick” she says, the tentacles shooting out and grabbing him, pulling the struggling Titans leader closer and closer to her cape which was thrown about her. He fell to the ground, being dragged across it. “Don’t fight it..” she continues. “You’re safe with me. I love you”.

“Raven no!” he screams out before he’s pulled completely under her cape, the two disappearing as the fabric continues to hover there, though the sounds of vigorous smooching can be heard from inside the seemingly hollow object.

Damien was the last to survey the area, and he smiles, rubbing his hands together with glee. “You guys are gonna be in so much trouble!” he shouts, though none of them seemed to hear him whatsoever. “Mama Ivy...I mean, Ivy is gonna be so mad at you! And Father is going to…”.

He doesn’t see the shadow that moves over him, Starfire now standing behind him. With very little effort she grasps him by the waist and picks him up, turning the struggling boy in her arms. “Hey! What are you doing! Put me do…”.

“Ohh my little Hrof’gr!” she says happily before kissing his face multiple times, pressing him too her prodigious chest. “I shall never let you go for you are the cutest! On Tamaran it is not uncommon for a man or woman to be betrothed to someone they must wait for to reach the age of maturity, and I shall wait for you my littlest of the Robins!”

“Hey!” he shouts. “I was trained by the League of Assassins!”

“And you are simply the sweetest of the little potato pies as well” she giggles, echoing something that Ivy had said after he himself said it on national television. She returns to kissing his face multiple times, leaving the boy a blushing wreck.   
  
The plan had gone completely wrong.

**_Olympus_ **

“Ahhhh! That was hilarious” Circe squeals, spinning around at the absolute mess she’d created. She peaks back at the table where Aphrodite kept all her most valuable love tonics and potions and smirks, wanting to make yet another to send to Earth.

“Who else can we add to this then?” she thinks, her eyes fixed on the Justice League as she places her fingers together and laughs maniacally.

“MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!”  
  


“Circe” Aphrodite calls from the other room, having been bathing. “Have you been messing with my stuff?”

“No” she calls back. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yessss”.

“Well don’t…”.

Circe looks back at the table, not dissuaded in the least. “Ohh Diana...you’re gonna get it now”.


End file.
